Happy Holidays!

I've been away for a while, but you can't get rid of me that easily! :)

I've been busy, trying to stay busy. Trying to stave off those holiday blues since this is the first holiday without my mom and I miss her terribly. The holidays, for me, have had another reason for sadness for 18 years since my father passed away on December 23rd in 1992. Things just haven't been the same.

They wouldn't want us to be sad though. They loved the holidays. They loved their family. They are sorely missed.

I choose to keep only the happy memories in my heart. I choose to put my bad attitude on the back burner, where I hope it can stay.

I'm going to re-vamp this little blog over the next couple of weeks (after the holidays). I'm hoping to write more, cry less (although I just need a good cry every so often) and, most of all, complain less!

I'm feeling good. I'm doing good. I'm getting back on track.

I wish anyone who comes across my little blog the happiest of holiday seasons.

I'll be back!

Love,
Laura

Fifth day of thankfulness

I started doing this on my facebook page too. So, I'm going to repeat what I said on facebook this morning -

Today I am thankful for my facebook friends. I thought that I would be sad yesterday, missing my mom on my birthday, but how could I be with all of the happy wishes that you sent my way. Thank you!

Seriously, I really anticipated having a rough day yesterday.

I even told my husband and daughter, ahead of time, that I reserve the right to be sad on my birthday this year. I got into facebook yesterday and saw the birthday wishes and I just couldn't be sad!

Not even this could make me sad :):

Fourth day of thankfulness

I am thankful to have been blessed with 50 (mostly) wonderful years.

I mean, let's face it, there were a few crummy years thrown in there, but I know that I am so blessed.

See! I was cute at one time!

 And lookie! I'm thankful for the Kindle that my family gave me for my birthday!! :)



Today, Nov. 3rd...

I am thankful for Chinese food (which, tonight, is bringing my family together :))!

My family and I are going to spend some time together tonight. With work schedules the way they are, it's hard to get the five of us together! 

Giving thanks - day 2

Today I give thanks for being a citizen of the United States of America and all the rights and freedoms that go along with it.

Being thankful...

I am going to, during this month of November, post one thing a day that I am thankful for. I know that a lot of others are doing it too. Yes, I am a copycat! :) But I am trying not to dwell on feeling sad and a good way to do that is to be thankful!

*Updated: I kept this up all month on facebook, but only for a few days here. Sorry!

So here goes...

I am thankful for this beautiful property that we are lucky enough to call our own and the wonderful little trail that goes into the woods for the dogs and I to enjoy our walk on.

Ahh the memories...

Who remembers every gift that they received for Christmas when they were growing up? Certainly not I.

Why am I thinking about Christmas gifts?

Because there was one Christmas when I was eleven and had, just that schoolyear, been introduced to the Little House books by Laura Ingalls Wilder. It was the beginning of a life-long obsession love. Thirty-nine years later, and I can still remember how I felt when I opened one of my gifts and this is what I saw...

Every time I look at that cover, it takes me back to the Christmas of 1971. Every time.

One month from today...

I will turn 50 one month from today! Is it possible? I have lived on this earth for half a century? I don't fret about it. Birthdays have never bothered me. This one, however, is causing me to reflect on all of the things that I haven't finished (or started, for that matter). I should be reflecting on all of those things that I'm proud to have accomplished!

My mom was never bothered by her birthdays either. I so miss that she will miss this milestone of mine, her youngest child...Sometimes I miss her so much that it hurts inside...

This picture was taken by my daughter, probably about 10 or so years ago. I found it while looking for photos of her for the memorial service. It has become one of my favorites.

Simple Sunday...

My dear husband up fixing the roof on our rental.

Just because I felt like posting it.

We won't forget..

Most of us can remember every little thing we did each minute of the day on September 11, 2001. Like a movie we play it over and over, especially on September 11th of every year. We can never forget. We will never forget. We should never forget.

Facebook

Most everyone that I know has a facebook page. Some hardly ever get on, while others (like me) are on a little too much. I had never planned to do facebook, but for some reason needed to set one up. I think I had gotten an email from something that I was subscribing to. They had set up a facebook page and the only way to view it, of course, is to set one up for yourself. I really didn't get it so after I activated it I left it be and promptly forgot about it. A month or two later, I received a facebook friend request from my niece so I decided to take a closer look. I had been doing myspace, but it seemed as though everyone was moving over to facebook. It really became an excellent way to easily keep in touch with my family down south and my LIW (Laura Ingalls Wilder) friends.

I quickly found out that facebook has some games. Fun games. Cute games. Did I have time for them? No. But, with everything going on for the past couple of years, it became a great stress reliever. And it was a fun way to interact with the friends and family that I rarely see. I have learned that I have to limit it to one game at a time though, or else I have the potential of wasting waaaay too much time.

A year or so ago, I was playing farmville as were several of my friends and family. I realized that one of the draws for me was that I could set up my little farm and it was the one thing in my life that I had complete control over. Weird? Maybe. But there were so many things that were out of my control.

At some point I needed more neighbors. Those games are always pushing you to invite more friends and you need a certain number of farmville neighbors (or whatever game it may be) to accomplish certain goals. A couple of my friends created facebook pages for their dogs to bring their neighbor count up. I refused. I would not make a facebook page for my dog!

Weeelll...as things progress there came a time when I was only one neighbor short for some goal or to expand the farm. I don't even remember now. But I caved. I created a page for my dog, Duke. I used his birthday, but made his birth year a few years older. I gave him an old email address that I never use and went about my business. Duke had a few friends (for those others who needed that "one more" farmville neighbor).

I don't have a ton of facebook friends. Mostly family and LIW friends. After LauraPalooza I became friends with several more people and, when I was in my profile recently, I noticed I was only a couple of friends away from 100. Then a few days later, I had to get into my friends list to find a friend so that I could write on his wall. I noticed I had 97 friends. I was pretty sure I had had 98. No biggie, I thought...but then it started bugging me.

For the record, I usually don't keep track of the number of friends I have, but I just happened to take note of it and I could have sworn I had 98 friends. Did someone unfriend me? Why? What did I do? It's amazing (and somewhat disturbing) that this bothered me so much.

I actually looked through my friend list trying to figure out who unfriended me! Couldn't figure it out.
It still bothered me that I had done something to cause someone to unfriend me, but I put it on the back burner.

A few days later, I was logging into Duke's facebook page (because, yes, I'm playing another game and needed him for a neighbor) and was told that my (Duke's) account was deactivated. Upon further investigation I found out that the birth year that I used for him had put him at the age of a high school student. Facebook had sent him emails to verify his high school and he hadn't responded so they deactivated his page.

I was unfriended by my own dog!!

Simple Sunday

my backyard last winter

Because this summer has been so hot and humid that sometimes I feel as if I can't breathe.
Because I swore that I wouldn't complain when it got cooler, because it would feel so good.
Because I had to close windows last night for the first time all summer and I did complain about being a little chilly.
Because every day is one day closer to those days when it's so cold that, when you walk outside, the frigid wind takes your breath away...

the college years

I've been reading quite a bit, on other blogs, about the beginning of the school year. A couple of posts have been about kids going off to another year of college.

Jamie went to college locally for the first year and a half and then transferred to a college about a 3 hours' drive from home. She had been planning to go a full two years to the community college near us, but was having problems with the classes they were telling her she needed versus those which she really needed. So, she decided, in November to start the next semester away at a different college. There was so much to do in a short amount of time and I was happily kept busy helping to get things ready for her big move.

When the big move came it hit me. Hard. Jim and I drove up to help her settle in. All the kids were coming back from winter break that day. She would have a brand new transfer as her roommate though and two girls who had been there as suitemates. We were the only ones in her dorm till late in the afternoon on that Saturday, so had plenty of time to help her settle in before the others showed up.

We had decided to spend the night in town just to prolong the leaving, I'm sure.
We left Jamie to get to know her new roommates and checked into our motel. Then we decided to run to a party store to get something to drink and some snacks.

That's when it began to hit us. We sat in the parking lot of this store and watched kid after kid come out with beer, and lots of it. It was obvious that there were going to be lots of parties that night. We wondered what would happen with our straight-laced daughter from here on. (She wasn't a partier then and never did become one).

The next day we finished up a few things, did a little shopping for some odds and ends that Jamie might need, took her to lunch and headed for home. The farther we got from her college, the sadder I became. When we got home I soaked in the tub and cried my eyes out.

About a week later, I heard Jim talking to a friend of ours. Her son (her only child) had gone away to college the fall before so she knew how I felt. She had sent me a card that simply said "A mom hug". So, she must have asked Jim how I was doing because I heard him say, "I think she's starting to come around. She's stopped walking around the house looking like she's lost."

I truly was lost those first weeks. But it got better. Jamie had good days and bad days. We emailed nearly every day and I printed out many of the emails, saved them and put them in a scrapbook to give her when she graduated. Some just talked about general things that were happening, some where she needed to vent about this or that. We learned to take them all in stride.

Our favorite. After what must have been a difficult day, she filled an entire email with only five words. Over and over again:

I WANT TO COME HOME!

She didn't and survived just fine!

Jamie with her proud mom and dad on graduation day!

Of course, six years later and she's not working in her field. But that's another story for another day...

changes...

The week has certainly ended on a better note than it had started on. Thank you to anyone who answered my request for prayers for guidance. I have certainly spent a lot of time praying for strength and guidance lately...

Things are better, although I'm afraid that a relationship that I hold very dear to my heart has been somewhat changed forever. I guess things happen for a reason, even if we don't understand the reason ourselves...

Yesterday was a month since my mother passed away and, oddly enough, was the first day in the past month that I did not cry. I'm not saying that I'm grieving less, but maybe just getting used to it...

Jim has been my rock. Wow! He has listened to me, he has held me and let me cry, he has tried to keep me busy. He knew that this would be so much harder for me than I could have imagined and he has just plain been there...

I think that I have been feeling better for the past couple of days. I picture my mom and dad, together at last, and I draw strength from that...

Please...

I hesitate to ask this...

I need some prayers. Something has come up that, while it is not catastrophic, is weighing very heavy on my heart and head. I don't even understand why it is happening...

I just ask for prayers for guidance in getting through this and figuring out why it is happening.

Thank you.

*Sometimes the first thing people might assume is that it's my marriage. That is not the case. I am blessed. I have a wonderful husband.

Simple Sunday

My mom and I at one of our favorite places to go for the last few years that she was well. When Jamie was in college, my mom and I would meet her at Frankenmuth (which was about midway between her college and our home) for the weekend. Jim and Jon used to go snowmobiling every year for the school mid-winter break and we girls would head to Frankenmuth. We had the absolute best time and laughed all weekend, every time we went. Jamie and I went there the week after my mom died, just for a day trip, to remember her and the great weekends we would share together.

Holidays and birthdays

My parents loved to have the family over for holidays, birthdays and, really, for no excuse at all.

I especially remember Christmas when we would wake up and excitedly see if Santa had come (I remember one year when my brother and I awoke at 4am and wondered why no one else would get up!), then have breakfast, go to church and then have our grandparants, aunts, uncles and cousins over for a big Christmas dinner.

My mom was the oldest in her family and had her kids before her siblings got married and started their families, so maybe it was a given that our family hosted the holidays in the early years. I never remember her being stressed or short-tempered by the pressure of getting the house ready, baking cookies, shopping and wrapping gifts, on top of getting the big meal prepared. This would be unlike me, who stresses over every last detail!

I cherish these memories.

My mom would have a fit about this picture! She used to wear a wig and this one was a doozy. I came across this one and the memories just came flooding back. This is the kitchen of the house I grew up in, in Warren. When we drive past that house now, how tiny it is really strikes me. It was a very small house to raise four kids in. Until they added on, when I was about eleven, my two sisters and I shared a small room. We had a triple decker bunk bed, mine being a trundle bed rolled out of sight under my sister's bunks during the day. My mom had her copper jello molds decorating the kitchen wall. I have one, put away somewhere, that she gave me several years ago. She would have been standing next to the kitchen table (it would be to the right in the picture) which stood in the corner by the windows, one next to her and the other on the other wall. Notice the gingerbread house behind her? Another Christmas dinner.

A good day.

A couple of weeks before my mom passed away, she was taken to the hospital in the middle of the night with a very low oxygen level. Her vitals were not good and she was unresponsive. We didn't think she was going to survive the night. She rallied and the next day was alert, although very confused, and in good spirits.

She knew who we were and was having no problem keeping a conversation going. She was telling stories. Now, these stories made perfect sense to her, but to us? Not so much. We think she was partly reaching back into her past and partly recalling dreams she had had.

Anyhow, I kept asking her questions. She would talk about certain people and I would ask who they were. She would talk about places and I would want to know if they were from her growing up years or ours. She started getting annoyed at me. She was talking about going to a certain house and I asked, "Which house?" She replied, "The FIRST house!" That's kind of how the conversations were going. I was careful not to correct her. If she was in her childhood, or early adulthood, that was fine. I just wanted to find out more about those times.

I guess I asked one too many questions and she turned her head away from me, rolled her eyes and said, "If I lose my mind, it will be Laura's fault!"

We laughed and laughed. It was a really good day.

A different approach...

...to my grief process.

I've been exhausted. I've had so many feelings for the past two weeks. I have to work through them myself, I know. Some of those feelings are the guilt I feel about being so frustrated with my mom in the past years. I can't change things and, yes, my mom was sometimes a difficult and controlling person. She was my mom, though, she did the best she could and I know she loved me and my siblings and her grandchildren so very much. We all loved her too. And, of course, she loved our dad and I take comfort in the knowledge that she is with him at this very moment.

I'm going to try something different for the next few days. I'm going to write about happy or funny memories of my mom. I'm hoping that those memories will help me get through this process...hmmm...I can't say a little easier, because I know that's not going to happen. Maybe just a little less difficult or painful...

I share this picture that I took of my mom when I was about seven. We were just being silly...

Oh, and the background to my blog, it's about the butterflies. Butterflies were very significant in my mom's life, especially after my dad died. When I see a butterfly, I think of my mom...

Simple Sunday...photos of my mom

I miss her...

Today is the first day since my mom died that I have been home. No arrangements to take care of, no family to talk to, no place to go. My sister and her husband left to go back to their home down south this morning. The past ten days (and the days before that) since she died have been unreal...crying, grieving, planning, hugging...
The memorial service was Monday evening and then family and some friends came to our house for together time and food. Tuesday morning we buried her ashes in our father's plot...where she wanted to be.

I think that everyone thinks that it's just time to move on. I can't. Not yet. All I wanted to do today was sleep. I know that's not a good thing, but when I slept I could dream of her and she was still here and could walk and could hug me and hum a little song like she did when I was a small child.

I miss her. People say, and I agree, to take comfort in the fact that she's not in pain anymore that she's with our dad now. That doesn't make it any easier though.

I miss her...

My mom passed away yesterday morning...

The last days have been a blur. Part from emotions, part from lack of sleep. My brother, daughter and I spent Saturday night at the nursing home. My sister came back from a trip she was on on Suday night and was able to be there for a couple of hours. I spent Sunday night there with her alone. I was afraid, didn't want to be alone. I know that I could have asked and someone would have stayed, but somehow felt that this was the way it needed to be.

I only left her side when an aide or nurse came in to take care of her. The last time that I did that, early in the morning, she passed on...she waited until I was out of the room...

I called Jim and Jamie, then I called my brother and my sister. Then I called my sister who lives down south. They (except for the sister who lives far away) came and we sat with her and cried and talked and remembered. A nurse brought us coffee and tea and cookies so we had a last cup of coffee (or tea) with her. She loved a good cup of coffee.

She's been cremated and we are having a memorial service next Monday.

The staff at the nursing home went way beyond to see that she was comfortable and that we were also. The social worker searched, begged and pleaded so that she could be moved to a private room. Hospice came in on Saturday so that she would be able to have the meds she needed to be comfortable. Apparently, we have found, the doctor feels uncomfortable upping a patient's meds at a time like this. Hospice was there to help with that. Some of her favorite aides came to see her on Sunday to talk and hug and cry. I had a melt down there alone on Saturday morning and the nurse called the social worker right away who came in to talk to me. I could go on and on. There were a couple of bad moments, but the good so outweigh them that I was able to put them way to the back of my mind.

My own family...husband, daughter, son...were so strong for me. Jon has surprised us all with his caring just by coming and being there, no matter how uncomfortable it was for him to see her the way she was. Jamie stayed nearly all weekend making sure that we had food and drink, just being there for us and her Gigi. She was texting me Sunday night after she found out my brother had left, insisting that I let her come up and stay with me. I insisted back that I would be okay, knowing that sitting in a chair all night and going to work in the morning would be way too hard, expecially after sitting in a chair all the night before, mostly awake. I am so blessed. Seeing Jim with tears in his eyes at the hospital and nursing home...and on Sunday morning he came in and my brother decided to leave to shower and take care of some things. I would wait until he came back and then I would leave to do the same. Jim insisted that I go, that he could be there with her. When I went back, he was sitting by her bedside holding her hand...something he had done a couple of other times over the past several days. He and Jamie were the first ones to come back after she died yesterday. They must have sped (Jamie must have been driving!) because they made it very quickly knowing that I was there alone. I was grateful for that, because I was able to cry with just the two of them before my brother and sister came.

I knew this would be harder than I could imagine, but it's even more difficult than that...

Update on my mom

My mom is a strong woman. Her body is weak, her mind is confused, but her heart keeps her going.

Within an hour after arriving home on Tuesday, I went to see her at her nursing home. She was very confused, but alert. Every day she's been progressively worse.

Yesterday she was agitated, calling out incoherently, but didn't seem to know we were there, not responding to us at all. We (my brother and I, my sister is out of town) knew it wasn't good. We left for a little while, planning to go back late afternoon/evening. Within an hour of being home, the nurse practitioner from her doctor's office called. She said that she was deteriorating very quickly, her vitals were not good, and we should come back. We quickly went back, while getting ahold of our sisters and my kids and my nephews. The social worker that my mom knew in the other wing she was in was waiting for us. She's so kind and compassionate.

We didn't think she would make it through the evening. She did. At 1am, she was resting comfortably and we decided to go home for a few hours, with the promise that the nurse would call if there were any changes.

I dosed till 5:30, then got up and called the nurse. She had rested comfortably all night and had just gotten agitated, but she had given her her pain meds. I was back there before 6:30. She's so agitated and calling out and pulling her gown and covers off. It's hard to watch. The clinical coordinator came in very early and sat with me and asked if we would be interested in hospice. Yes. She would have the social worker take care of it. A couple of hours later the social worker (a different one than the one from yesterday) came in and we asked about it. She said that she could call, but nothing would happen till Monday or Tuesday. Huh??? We also talked about the possibility of moving her to a more private room. By the time we left, she had not started taking care of either.

I have to say that everyone (except this social worker) has gone out of their way to make sure my mom is comfortable and her needs are met. The have been extremely kind and caring to our mom and to us.

I came home and called hospice who told me that if I called her doctor and could have an order called or faxed to them, they would start this weekend. I called the doctor's office and explained the situation. I'm hoping for hospice, but will deal without. Because she's had so many ups and downs lately, it was hard to tell that her time was really coming. My brother said that she had many good days while I was away.

I decided that it would be important for my mom to have a priest come in, so left a message with spiritual care services at the nursing home. I can't decide what else needs to be done. This is so hard...

I came home to shower, eat and do some paperwork, but here I am on the computer. I have to go back soon. I ask for prayers. We accept that there will be no "coming back" this time. We just want her to be comfortable...

just a little update

My mom has shown no real improvement. She knows my sister, brother and me. She thought my daughter was me the other day. Other than that, she is still very confused.

Every other time she has been so ill, she has rallied and come back. We're still waiting for that to happen, but accepting that it probably won't...

Back to the nursing home

Short post. I promise. :)

Yesterday my mom was moved back to the nursing home. She's in a room with two other women and they tell us that they hope to move her back to her old room with her one roommate soon.

My sister and I waited for two hours at the nursing home for her. The ambulance was running behind. She was in good spirits, seeing familiar faces even if she was in a different room. She is still very confused.

I didn't go in today. I feel guilty, but I am exhausted. I have spent several hours each day of the last several days with her. It has been emotionally draining. I needed a break and I am comforted by the fact that the nurse will call either my sister or I if there is any change whatsoever.

My sister and I were totally surprised when our mom's stuff was brought from her other room. I think there were nine boxes! She has saved every card, salt, pepper and sugar packets, jelly packs to name a few of the miscellaneous odds and ends. Since she will only wear nightgowns that is what we have been getting her for birthday, Christmas, etc. We didn't realize she has so much. I unpacked a little jar of Avon anti-aging serum. My sister told me that she got it for her, because she asked her for it! Isn't that a hoot? We unpacked what she needed and what would fit neatly and the rest of it is in my garage for now.

Who knows what will happen next. She was so very tired yesterday when she got all settled in to her bed. She is still weak and her mind is not here in the present. Will her mind come back a little? We don't know...

Yesterday...another up day. Mom seems to have rallied. Although she is "out there", she was alert and awake and talking and eating. She told some very funny stories, mostly about things she thinks happened that were really dreams (we assume) that she has had. We thought she would be discharged, but the nursing home had to give her bed away and we have to wait for today for them to have a bed for her. We could have her bed held while she's in the hospital...for $185 a day! Can't afford it and they assure us that she will have a bed to go back to, just not necessarily in the room she was in when she left. The nursing home is also a rehab center, so patients come and go, hence the reason for her bed being given away for a short time.

We spoke to the doctor again. Some things are clarified in my mind. I mean, I don't have the medical knowledge that my sister has (she was trained as an RN), so when I am given information I have to digest it and think about it and ask questions that I didn't think to ask when the doctor is throwing this information at me. When he says that he wants us to make the decision not to send her back to the hospital he means that if she has another infection that cannot be treated by the antibiotics that the nursing home would give her, then we just let her go. The nursing home does not start iv's, therefore if she needs an iv antibiotic (which she has every time she has gotten an infection for the last several years) we are just supposed to let her die of a treatable infection?

In our area (or does this happen everywhere?), your own doctor does not see you at the hospital. You see a hospitalist. Your doctor receives a daily report on your condition and any changes, but he/she does not come to the hospital. So, this hospitalist that my mom is seeing does not know her. He only sees the old woman, in pain with advanced dementia. He does not know the woman who, if she recovers to where she was before she had this infection, does not have advanced dementia. Although she is confused she knows us and she knows where she is, etc. She can help make some of her decisions.

Where do you draw the line? She has chosen not to be resuscitated. She has chosen not to take extraordinary means to keep her alive. Is an iv antibiotic considered extraordinary means or is it a course of treatment?

I mean I had pneumonia last year and needed iv antibiotics. I was very ill, but I recovered. I probably wouldn't have without the strong iv antibiotics. If I had a guardian, they could have made the decision to withhold the iv antibiotics and just wait and see if regular antibiotics works, and if they didn't, just watch me die of a treatable illness?

When it's my mom's time to go I will accept that. She is worn out and she suffers with debilitating pain. But I can't watch an infection ravage her body until it kills her.

Am I babbling? Am I making sense?

Random things on a Thursday

It is Thursday, right?

I have to think for a minute about that...

It's been a long week. Physically and emotionally draining.

I've been spending a good part of each day at the hospital with my mom. Ups and downs. Good days and bad. Yesterday was bad. She told my sister and I that she wanted us to know that she loves us very much. She seems ready to go...

The doctor is probably sending her back to the nursing home today. She will continue on iv antibiotics and pain meds. The main goal is to keep her comfortable. He advises that we might make the decision not to allow the nursing home to send her back to the hospital. She is suffering and so so worn out...

Her nurse told us that yesterday morning she said to her, "You know what I would like? Sex. That's what I would like." The nurse had to have her repeat it because she wasn't sure she heard right!

Sometimes she is so kind and loving and sweet. Five minutes later she is hitting and swearing (words that we didn't even know she knew!) and yelling. It's a good thing that I worked in a nursing home in my younger years so it isn't a total shock. Difficult when it's your own mother though.

My house is a wreck. Even when I'm home, I just don't have any energy for...anything.

That brings me to eating. When I'm eating it's not what I should be eating. All of the sudden I notice that my clothes are getting tight. How did that happen so quickly??

I'm worried about the next couple of weeks. My brother is set to leave for a week in Texas a few days before Jim and I are set to leave go to LauraPalooza (I am trying to be exciting) a few days before my sister and her husband are set to leave on a charter fishing trip. There will be an overlap of a couple of days when both my sister and I will be away. What do we do? I'm afraid to be away...

My mom is in the hospital. Again.

This is her third visit this year. Her fourth in the last eight months. How many since this whole ordeal began almost seven years ago? I can't even begin to figure that one out.

This time she has abscesses on her hip. How does this happen? Not even in an area where a pressure sore may form. Who knows? But in her compromised health, anything is possible.

She called me on Monday morning at 5:30am, concerned about how she would get back to her room. You see, she insists that the nursing home moves her, every day, to another room that looks exactly like her own room. Except it's not, she says. You cannot talk her into believing that she is safe and sound in her own room. She will not believe you and she will get angry if you do not believe her. You play the game.

Of course, phone calls such as those mean only one thing...an infection is brewing and a hospitalization is likely soon to follow. So, it was no surprise when the nurse called to tell me about the abscesses and that they would be starting her on antibiotics.

A few days later, my sister receives the call telling her that they would be sending our mom over to the hospital so that they can give her iv antibiotics. We have learned, by repeating the same mistake over and over, that it is useless to go to the hospital right away. Mom has not idea that we're there and we will sit, sometimes for as long as eight hours, waiting for them to admit and move her to a room. So, Jim and I moved one of the trucks home from a job site and then I headed to the hospital. I waited an hour and a half for them to bring her up to her room. I guess I could have taken more time before I went in.

So, my mom was fairly lucid that afternoon. We could hold a conversation, although a somewhat confused one. She knew me and knew what was going on. The following day, Jon had offered to go with her to see me (is my boy becoming a man?) and she barely spoke to him, didn't seem to understand that he was there. The next day she slept. She would not rouse for any visitors and we figured that she must have needed to sleep. Yesterday I went in, hoping that the rest did her some good, only to find her in much worse condition.

I have never seen her like that before. Believe me, I have seen her very ill, but this was different. She was sleeping, but very restless and agitated. Occasionally she calls out, sometimes she says, "Mama!" Her mother's been gone for 10 years...
She would say a word and then talk gibberish, then sleep and call out. Over and over.

Hard to watch, to say the least. I decided to wait and hope that the doctor made his rounds soon. My brother came and shortly after that, the doctor arrived.

He tried to talk to her. We voiced our concerns, but he assured us that it's a combination of the infection and all of the drugs. He said that she would come back as she was feeling better. Although, he did say that we never know if the dementia will be worse. That is an recurring fear of ours.

She settled down after awhile into a sleep, although still restless and agitated, but no longer calling out. We decided to leave when the aide came in to change her.

On the way out and in the parking lot, my brother and I talked about it. One memory came back to both of us. When our dad had his stroke, he responded to us for the first couple days and then he stopped. We felt him slipping away and were trying to accept it. One of the nurses, however, gave us some false hopes that he would recover, somewhat. The next day, we had to again accept the fact that his body was slowly failing and that there would be no recovery. A very difficult fact to accept about someone you love so much...

So, we wondered...was this doctor also giving us false  hope?

I could think of little else last night...

I went to visit her today, not knowing what to expect. She was sleeping. I had to wake her up. I had to see.

She was more alert. She said something about her glasses (the staff had taken them off and she rarely is without them, even when she sleeps). I found them and put them on her. She was happier then. She starts sentences but doesn't finish them or finishes them with words that make no sense. I decided to go speak with the nurse. There was nothing new to know and she had been semi-alert, but out of it all day. Her lunch came. I asked her if she was hungry and she said that she was. I knew that there was no way she could manage to feed herself. She kept trying to put her fingers in the food.

And so I fed her. Something I never thought I'd have to do. I worked in a nursing home for three years. I fed other people's mothers. Never my own...She enjoyed it. I talked to her about how no one makes goulash better than hers. As she enjoyed her butterscotch pudding, she tried to tell me about a butterscotch pie she once had.

Then she asked me about Dad.

"How is Dad?" she asked, "physically, I mean."

My Dad passed away in 1992. It was a hard question to answer.

I said, "He's okay, Mom." What else could I say??

I believe that she thinks they were in a car accident together.

I hope that she is better tomorrow.

Today was a hard day...

To my Daddy

Dad and I - summer of 1976 - I was 15 and he was 47

My dad was my hero, the first man I looked up to. He never saw my faults, always believed in me.

I remember curling up with him, when I was very little, to watch reruns of Mr. Ed because he knew I loved horses and what was better than a talking horse, of course!

I remember holding his hand when I was a little girl. I always felt safe.

I remember riding in the front seat of our car, between my dad and my mom. It made me feel cozy.

I remember pretending I was asleep, when I was too old to be (probably up until I was eight!), so that he would carry me to my bed at night. And he did.

I remember how he loved to talk. To anyone. It didn't matter if he knew them or not.

I remember that, everywhere we went, he knew someone. We could travel across the country and he would come across someone he knew.

I remember that he loved to eat. It was almost like a hobby for him. The last year of his life he couldn't eat everything he wanted because of a heart problem. He died anyways without having been able to enjoy all of his favorite foods one last time.

I remember the summer we (my dad, mom and I) rented a motor home and travelled out west with my aunt, uncle and their four kids. My dad did all the driving. When he drove that monster up to Mt. Rushmore, everyone was in the back of the motor home, scared and not wanting to look out the window, except for me. I trusted him completely.

I remember when my dad would ask me to help him take a load to the junkyard. It was his hobby, separating out junk to collect the money-making stuff and hauling it to Detroit to the junkyard. I never had to do anything, but he would take me to lunch and give me half the money he made. He just wanted someone to talk to on the long drive.

I remember how much my dad loved his family. He would (and did) drop everything if we needed him. He whould do anything for any of us. It didn't matter what we had done. It didn't matter if we didn't deserve his help or forgiveness. He gave it. No questions.

I remember and cherish the connection that I had with him when we moved to the country. We both loved it. He taught me so much about taking care of my horses. He sacrificed greatly to make sure I had what I needed and was able to take lessons and go to horseshows.

I remember that he couldn't hurt a flea, unless it was a threat to family. One of our chickens seemed to have broken its neck, but was still alive. He could not put it out of its misery. We had to have a friend do it.
Another time, a weasel (very mean) was living in our backyard, in an area where his grandchildren played. He killed it. My mom later said that he felt terrible about it always after.

I remember how much he loved being Popop to his seven grandchildren. And, oh, how they loved him back!

Popop and Jamie

I remember that my dad was a great man. He worked hard and he was kind and he went out of his way to help anyone. He was unconditionally devoted to his family. He never, ever asked for anything in return.

I remember the last "conversation" I had with my dad. He had a stroke and was unconcious, could not speak. For the first couple of days, he would respond to us when we talked to him, usually by squeezing our hand. We knew he could hear us. I finally had a few minutes alone with him and I told him how much I wanted him to get better, there was so much to look forward to and I told him how sorry I was for all the things I had done to hurt him. He gave my hand a long, gentle squeeze. I like to think that he was telling me that he loved me and forgave me...and goodbye. After that, he quit responding and a couple of days later, on the morning of Dec. 23rd in 1992, he left us...

We were consoled with the image of all of the family and friends that he would meet up with in heaven and he would so enjoy telling them all that had gone on since they left us, because he loved to talk.

Happy Father's Day, Daddy!

I need help

I have a problem...

I can't seem to part with the pictures on my camera's memory card. Oh sure, they're all safely on my computer and I'm pretty good about backing them up on a flash drive, but I just can't delete them off of my camera card. Once in a while, I have to delete some because my camera won't take pictures when it's full, but those are the duds...you know like the time Jim was taking pictures of me sitting in front of Our Lady of the Woods Shrine and after a couple of shots said, "You might want to do up your zipper!" Yep, pink undies...

Same pic..after I did my pants up.

Anyhow, I have pictures on there from almost two years ago.

Can someone please help me with my problem?? :)

The boy.

My son, Jon, just started a new job about a month ago. He's been very lucky in that respect. He's held a job since high school and has always worked at least 40 hours a week.

He didn't really like the boss/owner at this last job, didn't like the directions things seemed to be headed. His job was secure as long as the business didn't go under. He decided to get out while he had the chance. And he did have the chance. At the ripe old age of 21, he's good at what he does and has made some friends and connections that believe in him. He also has some lofty goals and would like to go into business for himself and is even talking about college again. Anyhow, he was able to get into this job with the help of an acquaintance who really believed in him. The man doing the hiring actually told him that he was hesitant to hire him because of his age, but he gave him a chance because he was spoken of so highly.

Jon has been working 11 to 12 hours a day, five days a week, and 4 to 6 or more on Saturday. He seems to like this job. I hear from him less than I used to. Still enough, but less. That's a good sign, because he likes to call me so that he can vent. It's been "our thing" since he started his career. If I don't hear from him every day, then that means things are going well. He'll call me every few days, just to talk. I like that.

Things are going well.

But the boy is tired! He works those long hours, he has his own house and then there's that sweet little girlfriend of his. He complains about how tired he is, how he doesn't feel like cooking and cleaning (I think that's a hint ;)) and he and his girl have to squeeze time in together between their work schedules and her full load of classes. I told him that I would clean and do some laundry when he can afford me, but he has a friend living with him. Between the two of them, they can handle things.

It seems like every time he stops by lately, we're headed out. I feel bad and, quite honestly, I miss him. So, last night I texted him. I wanted him to know how proud I am and how I really like his girl (maybe someday she'll be my daughter-in-law!). And then I told him that he could pick a night and I'd make him a home-cooked meal. Whatever he wants. I thought for sure he'd pick one of my old standbys. But then, I realized that once he developed his own tastes that he was never too thrilled with my cooking. I make simple meals. Jim and Jamie always preferred it that way. So, that's just the way it was, when he came along. So, nope, he wanted chicken and not just any old chicken. He tried to explain that they sell it, ready to cook, at our grocery store (not really my idea of home-cooked!). I went looking today. I've figured out that it was Chicken Cordon Bleu. And, of course, they didn't have any today. And I was surely not picking today to make something that I've never made before. Hopefully, the boy will be happy with the chicken that I'm making, to go with the cheesy potatoes that he asked for, and the garlic rolls (his choice). Then there's the hot fudge brownie sundae that he requested. Brownies are all baked and looking yummy!

I love that my boy is grown and out on his own. I've enjoyed every step of our journey together. I pray that all of his hopes and dreams are realized. He will work hard until he reaches those goals (or changes them, he's still young). And I love that he still needs his mom, once in a while anyways!

Peace

I have tried and failed at many things.

Later this year, I will turn 50 and I'm tired of trying and failing.

I feel as if, over the past couple of years, I have been able to find myself again. That brings me great peace. It has helped me learn to live my life the way that I want to and accept myself. I call it "embracing my inner dorkiness" :)

So what if I absolutely love Laura Ingalls Wilder, folk/pop music, being square, horses (even if I'll never have one again)?  I could go on and on...

I have decided to try to simplify my life. In small ways. I don't mean that I'm getting rid of all of my worldly possessions! I love many of my worldly possessions. It's those things that I have stored away, that I haven't used in at least a year, that I just don't love.

I have simplified many of my routines. I agonize over my hair. I'm done with that. Simple hairstyle. My hair is fine and mostly straight and I can't get it to do other things so I'm wearing a simple neat, clean hairstyle. I've simplified my make-up routine. I've simplified my wardrobe and my jewelry. Don't get me wrong - I'm simplifying, not getting rid of! I've simplified my housekeeping, making it easier to keep a clean, neat home. I'm trying to set aside time everyday to do my business bookwork instead of doing it all at one time. All of this, of course, while accepting that I am on call all day and into the evening when Jim needs help on a job.

My weight has been a constant source of stress in my life. I sometimes think that I could be completely happy if I were thinner. Last year, I started Weight Watchers and was doing well, but I let some stresses take over and I fell back into old ways (I take full responsibility). I have decided not to diet, but to make some changes that will result in a healtier me.  I know that dieting is what I should do, but I need to have some peace in my life right now.

Another big thing: complaining. I complain too much. Sometimes I complain that I complain too much! :) It's a hard habit to break. I'm having a tough time trying to figure out how to change this after a lifetime...

We usually go to church on Saturday evening, if not then early mass on Sunday morning. Sometimes we miss, I admit it, but I feel so much better when we experience our faith together with the rest of our church. This past weekend, Saturday got away from us, so we went yesterday morning. When we joined hands to say the "Our Father", a feeling came over me. Such peace and contentment. It was wonderful and I was able to carry it with me for the rest of the day. It is what I have been searching for in my life! That is why I have made these changes and am trying to learn to accept me as I am, while always trying to be a better me.


Have a wonderful, peaceful day,

My dreams of a little (very little) farm

For the past two years I have wanted chickens. Last year, we almost got some little chicks in the spring when Duke, our lovable Lab mix, showed up with a baby coyote and a couple of weeks later I found him playing with a baby fox. We were able to save the baby fox, which I took to a wildlife rehab. Shortly after this, he found a nest of baby raccoons. He means them no harm, really, he just wants to play with them. We decided to hold off a year on the chickens.

This year, I wanted to get chicks, but thought better of it. Now, Jamie's little dog, Sosha, is added to the mix and we just feel that both dogs would think a bunch of baby chicks would be a great deal of fun to play with. So, no chicks this year either.

For the past two nights, Duke has decided to bark and urgently beg to go out after 10pm. Usually, he's zonked out by then. Last night, I was playing facebook games working in my office when I started hearing a strange noise coming from the woods (through the closed window). I opened the window only to hear the strangest, eeriest noise. Weird and kind of spooky. Definitely what was prompting Duke to get a little whacky about going out. I called Jim to the window, him being a country boy and all, to figure out what it was and even he was stumped. All we can figure is that it was a litter of baby raccooons, maybe fighting, playing or perhaps in distress?

I used to love raccoons, even raised an orphaned one back when I was a teen. Then, we had ducks and I found that raccoons are pretty vicious. I have seen the destruction they have caused when they got into our shop and then into one of our trucks that had leftovers in it from my husband's lunch. And, I am an animal lover, but I'm sorry, what happened to my ducks changed my mind about raccoons and, sometimes, when we are just overtaken by them I told my husband not to tell me what happens out back if he has to take action...

Does anyone know of ways to keep predators out of the chicken/duck pen? We tried everything: buried fencing (to keep them from digging under it), electric fence, roofing the fence, barbed wire, etc. Those raccoons were able to get through them all! Next year, I really want chickens, just a few. The dogs will be older, wiser and lazier and I'm sure they'll leave them alone, but how to keep the vicious predators out?

Have a clucky day! :)

Simple Sunday...

We've been enjoying some perfect summer weather here this past week, including the rain :). Last night some storms moved through, prompting the weather service to issue a tornado watch. The worst of it was south of here, but we did get to experience some loud thunder. Wow!

So, today it's cool. Brrr. Quite a change from what we've been enjoying. But I've only to look at this picture and feel thankful for the slightly cool summer weather instead of this...

Enjoy your day, wherever you are, whatever the weather!

I never win anything...

But I did! I did win!!

In March, my husband and I were in Grand Rapids, MI for a convention. It's about a three-hour drive from home and on the last day of the convention, Jim had to help with the tear-down. We had decided, ahead of time, to stay that last night and, hopefully, visit the Gerald Ford Museum the next day before we headed home. You see, besides the fact the President Ford hailed from Grand Rapids, MI, he was also an Eagle Scout. As scouters, we were quite interested in learning more about him. Growing up, I was not really interested in politics and my parents (at least my mother) were Democrats, and, well, politics just wasn't a big topic of discussion in our house. Aside from the situations that arose when he became vice-president and then president, I did not know much about Gerald Ford. He actually lead a very interesting life. Check it out if ever you are in Grand Rapids!

A few days ago, a large envelope came in the mail from the Gerald Ford Museum and it was addressed to me. I assumed that I was now on a mailing list and handed the envelope to Jim to open. "Look at this," he said, "you won a dvd!" Well, I never win anything so this was a pleasant surprise.

I vaguely remember filling out a form for a drawing, not really thinking much of it because, again, I never win anything! I'm thrilled! I haven't had a chance to watch it yet, but, since I'm laying low with a cold this weekend, maybe tonight's a good night. My view on politics has changed greatly in the past several years and I am really interested in learning more about the life of Betty Ford!

It is what it is...

We say that a lot these days...It is what it is. Mostly in regards to my mother. We wish that our mother (in a nursing home) would get out of bed, into her wheelchair and enjoy life. It's painful for her, we understand that. We wish we could take the pain away, but we can't. As she has done less and less, finally to the point that she only gets out of bed for bath day, it is less likely that she will get out of that bed. Period.

Yesterday was no exception. She has been looking forward to her birthday (#77) for the last two months, planning what she wanted for her dinner (Chinese), wanting a peanut butter pie (which I happily made), then deciding that she wanted cake too (which we bought).

It seemed so important to make this birthday special for her. We don't know what the next year will bring. Will she know us on her 78th birthday? (whispering -- will she even be here?) I wanted to give her a good day. I wanted to forget about how she has been acting and how she has treated us, the aides, the nurses and social workers lately.

The plan was a double-header on Sunday. We would celebrate my nephew's little boy's 3rd birthday and then head over and celebrate Mom's 77th. We reserved the Garden Room (a lounge with a table and chairs) so that we could have a real party. I had made the pie, bought cake and ice cream, had snacks and decorations ready to go.

Okay, so my mom cannot stand on her own anymore, even though she insists that she can (the last time we saw her try was in December...unsuccessfully). I must say here that she is constantly being offered physical therapy, which she constantly refuses. There are two devices that they use to help her. She prefers the lift where she is putting some weight on her legs with support and they can pivot her over to her wheelchair. The other is a hoist that, with a sling under her bottom and around her back, they can lift her and lower her into her wheelchair. The hoist terrifies her (understandably) and it causes her pain, but it is do-able. They have used it before. They wouldn't normally use the lift on someone like my mother. She is very heavy with very weak muscles in her legs (from non-use). But she refuses to use the hoist. So, once a week, on bath day, when the head nurse is in and there is extra help, they use the lift. We didn't know until yesterday that they have to specifically have permission from the head nurse to use the lift. It was Sunday and the head nurse wasn't in. We understand the reasoning. There are liability issues. It has been allowed on bath day because this is the only way she allows them to get her up. Otherwise, she refuses her bath...

She would not get up yesterday for her party. Her favorite aide (who is a saint - I have seen her work with my mom) was working and even she couldn't convince her to let them use the hoist. My mom told us that they would not let her get up. Well, that's not totally true. My mother wanted to stand and pivot. That is not possible, even though she tells us that she does it all of the time. It would be dangerous for her and the staff to even try it.

And so the nine of us partied in her room. It was a much scaled-down version of what I had planned, but it worked. She complained that we must have told the Chinese restaurant to make her Szechuan Chicken spicier than usual (no we didn't). My sister gave her special chocolates as a gift, I gave her several little snack bags of crackers and a couple of other little things, my daughter gave her her favorite heart-shaped brownies with a glaze, which she loves (she complained, on Mother's Day that Jamie didn't make them for her) (we are quite limited as to what we can give her and she has at least 30 nightgowns!) and she complained that no one gave her mints (which she told us a couple of weeks ago to quit giving her as it makes her blood sugar go too high). Now, it was a little risky giving her all the sweets we did give her. She is diabetic, but if she doesn't eat them all at once she is okay. Hopefully, she didn't eat everything after we left. Lastly, she complained that we didn't get her a cell phone. We have discussed this. She has a phone there, but she is constantly pulling on the cord and keeps pulling it out of the wall. She doesn't understand that she has to plug a cell phone in to charge it and, if it pre-paid, she may be limited to how many minutes she can use per month.

I know I'm rambling here, but I wanted to give her a happy day that she would enjoy and I failed. My brother said that it is what it is. She doesn't want to try to get better and we have to just accept it. This is her choice. As difficult as it would be, she would have to choose to work through the pain and, in the end, would be able to walk again. He's right.

I came home and had a bit of a cry...

Talk about a heart attack!

Let me tell you a little bit about my mother-in-law. She's a wonderful woman. She's very giving, loving, and caring. She raised four good children and all four of them still live very close to her. By very close I mean that she has a daughter right next door and another daughter and son down the road. My husband and I live the furthest away and that's about two miles. You could walk into any room in her house at any time and it is spotless. And this is a woman who is a collector and hates to throw anything away! I love my mother-in-law even though sometimes she drives me crazy. She has done some things that, although she thought she was helping, really made some situations worse. It has, at times, put a strain on some relationships that she has. She is an eternal pessimist. It's been impossible very difficult to let some things she says go over my head. I'm sensitive and take everything personally. Maybe it's just because I've always wanted her to accept me and I (after 27 years) still don't know if she has. But still, I love her because she raised an amazing son who became my husband. After I recovered from my pneumonia last year, I sent thank you cards to some family and friends who had made meals for my family. She made chicken noodle soup and when I wrote my thank you, I thanked her for being such a wonderful mother that I didn't know what I would have done without Jim to take care of me after I came home from the hospital. I hope it meant something to her. I should have done it years ago.

My father-in-law passed away almost six years ago. I loved him like a father. I saw him a lot as he still came here to work (with Jim or on his own projects) every day, even after he "retired". He was like a kid. He was a man of few words (which he passed on to his son and grandson), but before Jim and I were married he told me that he was happy that he was finally getting a granddaughter (I had been married before and had a daughter) since he already had four grandsons. That made me feel as if it was his way of telling us that he was happy that we were joining the family. Jamie was always his only granddaughter (till the greats started coming along). There were three more grandsons born in the family. Six of his seven grandsons are Eagle Scouts (the seventh will be soon!) and his only granddaughter is a Gold Award Girl Scout! There were three grandsons that were closer to him than the rest. They were more like him. Our son was one of them. They were best friends. Some of Jon's favorite memories are those spent with his grandfather.

We all call them Ma and Pa - their sons and daughters, sons-in-law and daughters-in law, all the grandchildren and great grandchildren and quite a few family friends.

My mother-in-law called this morning. Nothing wrong with that...except that it was 7:15am and she is not a morning person. Don't get me wrong - she is the least lazy person. Ever. Honestly. She will be 81 soon and still keeps her house spotlessly clean and does most of the yardwork. She still mows most of her lawn with a riding mower. She has to keep busy, without that she would not live. She just does not like to be up early. She does, however, stay up half the night and gets up later in the morning. So, when I saw that it was her number calling, I panicked. As it turns out, (her brother-in-law passed away on Monday) she has been awake since 5am worrying about how she will get to the funeral home for visitation. She doesn't drive far anymore and is going to the funeral tomorrow with one of the daughters and her husband, but she didn't get to go to the funeral home with them last night. Are we going today (?), she wonders. Yes, I assure her, not to worry as we are going today and she can go with us. Jim had a meeting last night, so we decided to go today. She could relax now...a little.

I think my heart was racing for a good twenty minutes after I hung up!

My songs...

I've added songs to my playlist. Feel free to turn down your volume if you don't enjoy them.

Each song from my growing up years and beyond trigger a specific memory. A simpler time? Perhaps. Although I cherish those memories I love my life now.

And here we are again

I always have things to blog about, but don't take the time to just do it! So, here's what's on my mind today...

Does anyone else see the economy turning around? Here in Michigan...maybe little tinges, but we are also in what is probably the worst county in the state. Our business depends mostly on new construction. There's been none of that around here. Two summers ago, we were able to keep busy with some nice geo-thermal drilling jobs, last summer people wanted replacement wells. I don't see any of that happening now. So far, we're staying afloat, but I really see this next year as our worst (unless something drastic happens). Let's hope that we can keep this thing going till things turn around.

I have been feeling so much better lately. So much energy. Hooray for Vitamin D!!

With energy come catching up. I have honestly just been doing what needed to be done. I had no more get up and go than that. Well, in the past couple of weeks I have cleaned all but one closet, gotten rid of a lot of stuff in the garage, caught up on some office work that I had been constantly putting aside, and gone to the dentist, the gyn and had my yearly mammo.

With my yearly mammo comes the call I dread, which came in earlier today. They want to take a closer look at my right side. This has happened before and they are always satisfied that it has not changed shape or grown. But, I always have this scary feeling till they tell me exactly that! I go in on Friday for my re-mammo.

My mom's dementia is getting a little worse. We have noticed that when she confuses something now she doesn't seem to have the ability to cover it up like she did before. It makes me sad.

I have gone to three "events" having to do with Laura Ingalls Wilder in the last few weeks! First, a presentation given by a "Laura friend" of mine. I've seen it before, but it was nice to see her and talk before and afterwards.

The Laura collection that is housed at the Detroit Public Library was recently on loan to another library. I had to go see it again. It was all in glassed-in showcases, but that just meant I could look and read as long as I wanted to. And I did. There were also some things that I hadn't seen before. Apparently, the archivist hadn't thought I'd want to see the prints of the original illustrations. Plus, there were three little dolls that are kept in the children's section that I didn't know about. Jim took lots of pictures for me!

I had heard about a genealogical society that was having a guest speaker who would be talking about the travels of the Ingalls/Wilder families and how it is possible to trace a pioneer family's genealogy. He had so many Laura facts wrong. Jim nudged me several times and whispered, "Raise your hand!" I guess I didn't want to embarass him, plus we were guests at an actual meeting of this group and I didn't want them to turn on me! I bit my tongue, but I cannot let them pass. If he is giving this same talk to different groups then he needs to be giving the correct information.

I really appreciate that my husband went with me to all three of these. They were each about an hour's drive away. I could easily have driven to the first one. I don't mind driving in that area north of us. I was a bit afraid of driving home that far in the dark as I am night blind. The other two are in busy, heavy traffic areas which just throws me into a panic attack. Business is slow and Jim has a little more extra time these days and so he offers to go with me...or is it that he is really interested in the subject matter? :)

Okay, I'm going to stop my babbling!

Mostly

Sometimes good things happen and sometimes bad things happen, but most always I feel blessed.

My journey with un-wellness

I feel as if I have never fully recovered from the pneumonia of last November. Oh, I think that once I started recovering I felt so much better that I thought I was better, but I never felt "back".

My hair had been falling out since December and I assumed that it was part of my recovery process. As it turns out, I believe I have had a Vitamin D deficiency since I started recovering from the pneumonia. I have been researching and reading and I have discovered that my level of 7 is extremely low. I have also discovered that it may take months to bring the level back up.

The past few weeks I have been more exhausted and in more pain than ever before. It was dragging me down. We went to our convention last week and were extremely busy and my hips and legs hurt so much, but I assumed it was all of the "busyness". Then, at my doctor appointment the day after we came home, I found out about my low vitamin d and feel as if that might explain it. Then, another part of me wonders if it's just me and I think that the vitamin d "explains it all".

Is it just me, my weight? Or is the lack of vitamin d? I'd like to think that D is the magical cure and once it's up my problems will be over.

I do know one thing. I have not felt totally well in many months and I just want to be better.
I know that I am blessed. It could be worse.

One of those weeks...

Busy last couple of weeks here at the old homestead

On Monday, the 8th, my mom was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia. Again. It was pretty bad for the first couple of days. Her O2 level was in the low 80's. They wanted to use a CPAP, but she refused. She also refused her breathing treatments until we gave her a stern talkin' to. Her blood sugar was in the 400's! and they put her on an insulin drip. Slowly she started improving.

In all of this, we had family coming from down south. My sister, two of her daughters, one son-in-law and nine of her grandchildren (she has 11 going on 12 all together!) were headed up for a long weekend. At least our mom was somewhat better by the end of the week. She had some wonderful visits with them and we also were able to spend time with them all. The other son-in-law even flew in for a day between business trips. With all that goes on, it was so nice to spend time together - all four of us siblings.

The day they all left to go home, Jim and I headed across the state for our convention. Busy. Jim had to help with set up and tear down. The annual meeting is held and there are several educational seminars to attend. I ended up helping with the registration desk and our Ladies' breakfast. It was a good kind of busy. I enjoyed getting to know some of the other wives. Jim and I will probably only do this for another year. There is talk of combining districts as there are too many directors now (each district has its own director-that's what Jim is). Jim found that the directors who have been there longer have more to do. For the new ones, like him, there's not much to do. We'll see what happens. For the most part, it's a great group of people in our industry and we do enjoy it.

Yesterday, I had my follow-up appointment with my doctor to get my blood test results. I was thrilled to find out that my cholesterol and blood sugar are at normal levels! What a relief! My iron is a little low and my Vitamin D is very low. He said that around 30 is normal, my level is 7. So, I will be taking an extra iron supplement and he prescribed high dose vitamin D for me to take weekly for a month. I have to go back for a level check and will see him a week after that.

I also went to see my mom on Thursday. She is being difficult, as usual, but it's different now. She just doesn't want to be bothered, even though there are those things that need to be done. She argues with the staff and feels she has the right to refuse treatment. That's why she ended up there in the first place, because she wouldn't let my sister and I do anything for her. But now she's still weak and just worn down. Her O2 level is still running low and she's supposed to be on oxygen (she keeps taking it off). Pneumonia twice this year already. She's the same but different. This is taking its toll on her. She keeps getting infections, outside of the pneumonia, and I just don't know how much longer her body can handle it...

So, lots going on and I had to get it out. On paper, so to speak. I'm wondering though about this whole blog thing. I put myself out here, sometimes thinking maybe it's good reading for others. Sometimes entertaining. It does me good to vent once in a while. But I really don't think it's good reading for anyone else. I don't have much of a following. Maybe I should just journal privately. Something for me to ponder - and, no, I'm not looking for sympathy or someone telling me to keep at it. It's just another something that I wanted to write about...