My girls...

Okay, first of all, I'm not real sure I like referring to your breasts as girls. It seemed a catchy title though. About three years ago, when I had a mammogram, I had a scare. It was a scary scare at that. Before that, it had been about five years since I had had one and I know we're supposed to have them annually after we turn 40, but there's no breast cancer in my family---that I know of. So, I had my mammogram and I was called back to have my right side re-done. Wasn't sure why, but okay, I didn't want to take any chances. I went in for the second one and had to wait a few minutes while they looked at it. The tech came back in and said, "Can you come back for an ultrasound? There's an area that we're concerned about." A little knot formed in my stomach, I said, "Sure. Should I go schedule one?" She replied, "No, we'd like you to come back this afternoon, if possible." That knot grew and tightened. I was actually shaking! So, she gave me my time and I left. I struggled with whether to tell Jim or not. I didn't want him to worry. I ended up calling him on his job. He wanted to go back with me, but I assured him that it was nothing to worry about. I'd be fine on my own. I will never forget the sound of his voice. I had never heard him sound like that before... By the time I arrived home, he had called Jamie and told her to go with me. He's never done that before. I spent the day making bargains with God and praying. Finally it was time to go back. There was an area. I could see it. They called a doctor in to look at it. I thought I would be flat forever, I was squashed for such a long time. The doctor decided just to keep an eye on it. I would need to come back in six months. All of this terror that I experienced and then a sense of relief just flooded over me... We drove to where Jim was working so that I could tell him right away. His job is one that requires his full attention. I worry about him enough as it is, while he's drilling, let alone knowing that his mind wouldn't fully be where it should be. I vowed never to put off my mammogram again. A few minutes of discomfort is not worth this worry! I went back in six months. No change. A year later and fine. I relaxed. Two years go by. Why do I do that? I went in two weeks ago and had my mammogram. Yesterday, my doctor's office called they want to re-do the right side. I have to go in tomorrow. I'm sure it's nothing, but a little bit of me has this nagging fear...

Our walks

I love to walk on our property. I don't do it often enough, but have recently started making sure to schedule it into my day. Before our dog, Duke, came into our lives, I used to walk through the woods and out into the clearing. There I would spread my arms wide and give Thanks to God for the beauty of the day. I walk a different route now because part of our property has underground wire to keep the dog home. The clearing is not our property, but belongs to the county. I could enjoy it, but we could not wire it in! So now we walk, Duke and I, on the trail out to the little lodge in the woods. Even though Duke has the run of about five acres here, he loves it when I "take him for a walk"! Spring and fall are the absolute best times to walk when the weather is perfect. It's so calming and peaceful and brings me closer to God and the beauty that He created. Rarely, but still sometimes we see a lone deer resting among the trees. How awesome! Often we see tracks of the other animals that live in our woods. The little hand shapes of the raccoon, the turkey claw print, the occasional trail of a snack crossing in the sandy dirt, sometimes the cute little hopping feet of a rabbit. All God's creatures. I feel so blessed...

Another new beginning

I started a diet today! I honestly have not officially dieted in a very long time. Sure, I'd decided that I needed to make better food choices and take my daily walk, but something would come along and I'd stop paying attention. I haven't always been overweight. I have gained most of my weight in the first 10 or so years after I had my son 20 years ago. Then I seemed to settle in. Sometimes I'd lose a little, but when I gained it back I never went over this certain number. Well, this week I went over that number. Not sure why. I don't feel as if I've been eating more or that I've been less active. I started taking a new medication, but I only have to take it for a few days a month so - who knows. I just feel different lately. Like my weight is really affecting me. I know it has for years. I'm very overweight. But somehow it's just been different lately. I feel so heavy and doing things are just so much more difficult. My weight has never stopped me from doing life's everyday things. I feel like it is now, for the first time ever. It's time... I've said that before and have never stuck with anything. I'm hoping. I'm praying that this time will be different. I need to do this. I want to be healthy. I don't want to feel like people are staring at me and judging me. I don't want to have to worry about fitting. Those turnstiles that you sometimes have to go through to enter an event. I have to go sideways. Sometimes I have to squeeze into restaurant booths. When I have flown I've always worried that the airlines would tell me that I have to buy another seat. I can't find clothes that fit me that I like. I want to be normal. I just want to be normal! So, a while ago a friend asked me if I'd tried Weight Watchers. I had years ago when I had much less weight to lose. Things got busy and I stopped going to meetings. I checked into it a few weeks ago and just haven't worked up enough courage to go to a meeting. Yesterday, I decided to try it online for a while. I know it would be better to go in person and have that support and encouragement, but, I don't know. I want to say that this is so private for me, but here I am blogging about it! But it is. It's something I want to try on my own. If I need to I'll go to a meeting. For now, I figure this is better than doing nothing. I want to stick with it this time. I really do. I'm worried that I won't though. I know that there are triggers that cause me to eat. I really think mostly it's boredom. If I'm busy I don't think about it. If I'm working at my desk or doing housework I'll snack. Jim and I go out to eat a lot. I need to make better choices either way. Ha, maybe I'll blog whenever I get the urge to snack. There may be many, many blogs from now on, if I do that! It's time. It's really time. I've starting doing different things lately. Things that I've always wanted to do, but haven't taken the time. Jim and I decided that we wanted to do more things. Go to museums, concerts, local events, even travel a little by ourselves. I want to not have to worry about my weight stopping me and, most of all, I want to be here to do those things. I have allowed myself to be happy for the past few months. Losing the weight is just a piece in the puzzle. My happiness puzzle...

It's supper time!

A quick little memory today... When Jamie was about 18 months old, we were living with my parents. We lived there for about three years from the time she was about one until she was four. One evening, we were sitting down to dinner and I put Jamie in her high chair. She was very observant, always thinking and quite a talker. My mother brought out a platter of Italian sausage, arranged very nicely, apparently... As we started serving dinner, Jamie, not wanting to be forgotten, said, "I want some poop too!" What could have been going through her little mind? "Well, I guess if they're going to eat it I may as well too."

April snowstorm

I've always enjoyed a good snowstorm. When we don't have to go anywhere and when we're all together. I loved it when the kids were young. Finding out school was cancelled and climbing back into the warm and cozy bed for a little while longer, then spending the day all together. Nothing beats that! After the kids grew up it changed. Jon's living home now and he has to go to work no matter what the weather. That just makes it into another day to worry. When I woke up today, the snow had just started here. Our schools are on spring break, but I'd heard that the districts near where Jon works are all closed today. Apparently they have more snow there. Of course, that is cause for worry. No matter how old the kids get you worry about them! So, Jon left for work and made it to the end of the driveway, then backed up to the house. He had forgotten his cell phone still plugged into the charger. Lucky thing he came back. His boss had called. When Jon called him back he found out that power is out in their building. No power = no running machines = no work. For now anyhow. Back to bed for that boy! It's a cozy feeling. Jon's home (for now - he has classes tonight) and sleeping, Jamie's here for the week (she wasn't expecting to experience winter!) and is awake but not up yet, Jim is out in his shop. Now, if only they cancelled evening classes at Jon's college... Anyone want to play a board game? :)

It's good to be home...

We just got home a bit ago. We weren't gone long. Just four days. It just always feels good to be home when you've been away. I missed my son, my dog, my bed, my quiet too. Home sweet home...

a memory of "Titanic"

Once in a while a memory pops in my head. Out of nowhere. There it is. I may blog that memory. This morning, even though Jim and I are getting ready to leave for our 14 hour drive to Jamie's, I have to share one. It was funny to us, at the time. Our family is interested in history and Jim, in particular, was always interested in the Titanic. This was long before the movie came out. He's mostly fascinated by how things are built and how they work, a trait he inherited from his father and passed down to his son. So, when the movie came out we had to see it. Jon was too young at the time and had to wait till it came out on dvd. When the dvd was released, Jon was anxious to watch it. There was one particular scene that we didn't really want him to watch. You know, the one where Jack is drawing Rose topless. When that part was coming up we told Jon, "Now we want you to cover your eyes and we'll tell you when you can watch again." He did as he was told, but wanted to know why. We told him why and he was still young enough to agree that he didn't want to see that. He said to Jim, "Daddy, when you watched that at the movies did you cover up your eyes?" Daddy replied, "Yes, of course! I didn't want to see that!"