Frustrated

I have to see the pulmonologist in about two weeks. I'm figuring that this would wrap things up and I won't have to go back.

When I saw this doctor in December, he told me that I would need another CT scan and breathing test before I saw him again. Okay.

Well, the office was very busy that day and I was handed my order for the CT scan and was told that I would be called when the scan was set up. No one ever called, so I called today to find out if they ever scheduled it.

I received a call back from the very man who was suppposed to schedule the scan. He told me that I had a CT scan scheduled to Dec. 8! I told him that I had that scan that day, that the doctor told me that I needed another scan before I saw him in February, that I have the order right in front of me.

He has to go look at my chart. He was reading it aloud over the phone and actually read that the doctor wanted me to have a CT scan and breathing test before my appointment! He then told me that I was to come to my next appointment where I would have my breathing test and see the doctor. If the doctor thought I needed another scan, he would schedule one then.

First of all, I'm frustrated that he spoke to me as if I didn't have the scan in December (when he read through my chart he told me that the scan results were there).
I'm frustrated that he treats me as if I heard wrong, when what he read was that the doctor wanted me to have a CT scan and I have the order for it!
I'm frustrated that, if the doctor still wants me to have another CT scan, I will have to then see him once again afterwards when this should be my last visit with him!
I'm frustrated that this guy forgot and tries to cover his mistake by blaming it on me!
The only good: if the doctor somehow decides that he doesn't want me to have another CT scan after all, it will save me the money (since our medical insurance deductible starting over again on Jan. 1) that I would have had to pay!

Maybe if I pass my breathing test with flying colors, he will release me from his care!

Now, if I could figure out why my hair is falling out...

Mom

My mom is once again in the hospital. The nursing home called my sister on Friday night to let us know that she was running a fever, had slight breathing difficulties and was confused. Best to send her to the hospital.
There they determined, after bloodwork and x-rays, that she had pneumonia and admitted her. She seemed in good spirits and actually not feeling too badly. The doctor thought that they would keep her till Monday.
On Saturday afternoon, my sister, brother, daughter and I were all in to see her at the same time. She was slightly confused, but not too bad. In good spirits, still. Sunday again, the same.

Yesterday (Monday), she called me and was so totally "out there" that I could not follow her mostly one-sided conversation. I visited her later in the day and she was actually worse. Still not terribly ill feeling, but oh so confused. Most of what she says is amusing and the only way to keep going is to see the humor. That's how my sister and I have dealt with the situation for the past six years. Usually, though, she starts the illness with the confusion and it gets better, not worse.

While I was driving home last night, I was wondering if she (her mind) was going to come back. It is a very difficult realization. We have seen more and more signs of the Alzheimer's advancing, but she is quite often still "with it" enough to hold a real conversation with. Not so, for the last couple of days. The pneumonia that she has is also caused by aspiration which is a common cause of death in the elderly. Two realities that are difficult to face. I thought I had come to terms with the Alzheimer's. I have grieved the mother that she once was. She is no longer that person. But I guess the reality doesn't hit until it is actually there, right in front of me.

I wasn't planning to visit today. My sister and I typically take turns because it is so mentally exhausting. Does that sound selfish? It is sometimes the only way that we can keep our own sanity intact! Mom has called me twice today. She is so far from reality right now and it has not been possible for me to steer her back. Last night she saw a polar bear on a moving church steeple outside her window. Today she is telling me to watch out for the blond cardboard cut-out woman. She looks so real. There are bugs (she doesn't know if they are jello or real) in her room. There's a sparkly gray-haired doll that one of the aides made...I could go on.

My brother once talked about feeling bad for her being so confused sometimes. She doesn't realize that she's confused though. It's her reality. She said to me today, "I'm the only sane one!"

We've been joking about her little quirks and confusion. We communicate through facebook with our family down south so they can know what's going on. Quite often in a funny way, making light of the situation.

It just doesn't feel so funny today...

Where's your seal?

When my son was little, probably around 3 to 4 years old, he seemed to have a unique gift.
He began telling us, "You have a seal around you." When asked what that meant, he described what sounded like an aura. Did he know something that we didn't?
He continued this for a year or more, not much longer than that. Sometimes we had the "seal" and sometimes we didn't. Sometimes he'd see a stranger, in a store or restaurant, and tell us that they had a seal around them.
And then it ended. He saw the seal no more...

I'm a work in progress...

That's what I've decided - I'm a work in progress. This past year or two has brought many changes in my life. This year I will turn 50! The big 5-0! There are things that I want out of life that I don't think that I deserve, therefore I don't strive hard enough for them. I want to change that. There are other things that I have already started working on and it makes me happy! My goal...to be the best me! Quite simple. It seems, doesn't it? Easier said then done.

I must start by saying that I love my children. Even if they are adults, they will always be my children. I hope that I was a good mom to them and that they've had happy childhoods. If they need me, I'm here! But it is time for them to live their adult life. I have had a great adult life. I want them to experience the same. They don't always need (or want :)) me for that!

There are several things that I must do:

• Take better care of me. I can't do the things that I need or want to do if I am not well!
• Make Jim my priority. The kids are adults. They had our undivided attention well into adulthood. They can take care of themselves now. Even if they choose to live here, they are still adults and will be treated as such. Jim has never had my undivided attention. It's his turn now!
• Read. I love to read. I always have. It was one of the many things that took a backseat when my kids were growing up. No more.
• Write. I love to write. I always have. It was one of the many things that took a backseat when my kids were growing up. No more. Funny, huh? Okay, I never thought I had writing talent and it was actually something I love, but never pursued because I didn't think I was any good. I started writing again and I love it and I want to keep doing it.
• Horses. I've always loved horses. Was able to experience the joy of having horses for too short a time in my life. I may never have a horse again, but I can still love them. I think when I gave them up, I felt that I really needed to give up my love of them. Not so!
• Stop procrastinating. It's a big problem...nuff said...
• Live the life that I know God wants me to live. Listen to Him more.
• I know what I need to do. I just need to do it!

I know. Some of my goals seem goofy, especially the horse one. But I get it. It means something to me.

Here's to the year 2010. I hope that on Dec. 31 of this year, I can say that I have become a better me!