business as usual

We have some friends who always thought that we had all the money in the world. They would think, "Well you make such-and-such an amount of money per job." Okay, well no...That's how much we charge. Out of that we pay for supplies, gas, insurance, wages (if we have an employee) taxes, etc. Owning your own business does not automatically make you a millionaire. Believe me! I know first hand. It is hard and it is stressful. When Jim and I were dating, actually when we were talking marriage, the business was a concern of Jim's. He was in the process of buying the business from his father. It was always going to be a huge part of his life and he wanted to make sure we would be clear on some things before we committed to spending the rest of our lives together. His mother always handled the bookwork, would I be willing to take over someday? I didn't have a problem with that, although, at the time I was planning on working full time outside the home forever. After buying the business and the property it sat on, it was assumed that at some point in time we would also buy the house that sits on the property and live there. I was always for that. I liked the house and thought it would be nice to live where we worked. Little did I know! And one of the big ones, long work hours, weekends, not many vacations. As our children got older, Jim was amazingly able to balance work and: being involved in as much as was possible (he once made wood book covers for Jamie's entire 5th grade class for a book-writing project), doing woodworking projects with my Girl Scout troop, going to every single band competition that Jamie was in, being at Jamie's dance recitals, being Cubmaster and then Scoutmaster when Jon was in Cub and Boy Scouts, doing every monthly Boy Scout campout and every yearly high adventure while he was Scoutmaster and going to football games and track meets that Jon was in. I could go on and on. Sometimes when Jim did these things, we lost out on business. Hopefully, though, these are things that had a great impact on our kids...So, Jim has done a fantastic job of making time to be with family. We've not had many vacations, but have done a creative job of incorporating business trips into family weekends together. I'm thinking a lot about the business lately (well I always think a lot about the business) because Jim is bidding (almost reluctantly) on a big job. I won't go into details, but it's government funded and that complicates everything and it is in less than desirable areas of the city (which means that it would be hard to leave our equipment there for the duration). Today, and the next few days, Jim is doing test work there. He usually does not show his stress level, but I can tell it's high. And he doesn't even have the job yet! The money from this job would help see us through this economic slump we're in. Honestly, though, I'm just not sure it's worth it. Jim feels the same way. These are the times that I better not hear someone say, "Oh, you're so lucky to have your own business!"

A Sunday in May

It's a beautiful day! The sun is shining brightly. I feel it's warmth clear through to my bones. Finally...spring!! I planted my flowers today. I've had some geraniums for two weeks now and they haven't fared well, waiting. I wanted to wait until we were past the risk of frost at night. And then I waited another few days until I could get to the store and buy the rest of my flowers. I didn't get everything I wanted this year. Looking more at the costs this year...I think it will look nice. Well, I hope it will. I tend to have a brown thumb. I have such a hard time planting, what with my bad knee. I became angry at myself, because it wouldn't have been so bad if I were not so heavy. Jim offered to finish planting for me, so I wouldn't have to kneel. Could the man be any more giving? One of his knees is bothering him horribly. He mentioned it once, the other day, and hasn't complained, but I can tell that he's favoring it. When he made the offer, he was putting a seal-coat on our brick patio/porch area...on his knees. No complaining from him. I shut my mouth and finished my planting. Afterwards, Jim put some mulch down and I had an allergic reaction. Hmmm...what is in this stuff? I told him that I would like to get a cow and make our own mulch. He was not real receptive to that idea. I also put my hummingbird feeder out today. Should have done it earlier in the month. I blame that on my memory. I saw a hummer last evening flutter past the window where the feeder usually is. I felt bad. They do remember, from year to year, and come looking. It never ceases to amaze me! So, the feeder is out. Come back my hummers! We decided not to get chickens this year. Jim pointed out that it's just not a good sign when the dog brings home a baby coyote (I mentioned this a couple of blogs ago), then a baby fox - that's right, a baby fox! I got Duke away from it and Jim and I put it in a box with a lamp on it and tried to give it water. It didn't look like it would make it at first. Then it's breathing became more regular. I called a local wildlife rescue place and took it to her. She put it on a heating pad and gave it Pedialyte. It was looking better by the time I left. I wanted to call and ask how it was, but was afraid to find out that it didn't make it. Oh, and Duke also found a nest of baby raccoons and their mother in an old storage trailer out back. Jim saw the mother and was going to "take care of it". Then found that she had babies. He made the mistake of showing them to me and I wouldn't let him touch them. She has since moved them all to a large storage shed out there. Raccoons are cute, but so destructive and mean. I told him that, from now on, don't tell me and don't show me. So, getting back to the chickens...with coyotes, foxes and raccoons nearby, we didn't think that chickens would stand a chance. Try again next year! We honestly have never seen a coyote or fox in all of the almost 18 years we've lived here. Plenty of coons though. They brutally killed all of our ducks. I used to love raccoons...And just to mention here that Duke is not a vicious dog by any means. He finds these creatures and simply plays with them. Unfortunately he doesn't stop. He does not try to "tear them apart" or anything. I don't want anyone thinking badly of my pup. Jamie is coming home next weekend! Hooray!!! She has had a very rough time of it, especially this past week. Almost decided to stay put. The pull of "home" was stronger though. I assured her that she needed to stay if that was where she really wanted to be, but I'm happy that she will be close to us again. I just hope and pray that she can find work. She's such a good person, a truly good person and she loves children. She loves trying to make a difference. She really deserves to be happy...and that is my wish for her. My weight loss has slowed, actually none at all last week. I will plug along though. My goal is to be healthy and I feel so much better. That's what counts. Some days are harder than others and some days I fall into old habits. I am determined though. There is so much I want to do. I pray every day for the strength to keep at it. Jim's 51st birthday is Tuesday. I thank God every day for bringing us together. He is caring, loving, and giving. He loves me no matter what. Some days I wonder why! I could go on and on, but then I'll get all mushy. So, I'll stop here. I love that guy though!

the mom thing that never goes away...

I've worried for two years that something would happen to Jamie and that I wouldn't be there for her... In March, she was in a car accident. I could talk to her right away and know that she was okay. It was all a big hassle having to deal with getting her car repaired, but she was not hurt. Today was different. It started yesterday. She called me and told me that she had been having horrible abdominal pain and that two of her co-workers took her to the doctor's. The doctor told her it was either a UTI or mittelschmerz (ovulation pain). Take some antibiotics and advil. The thing is she was in alot of pain still last night. I talked to her early this morning and she said she was still in pain, but was going to work. Her co-teacher was picking her up because she didn't want her to drive. That worried me, but I thought that she must be feeling somewhat better since she was going to work. Twice today I texted her, with no answer. Okay, not panicking. She gets really busy at work and I don't usually text her so she wouldn't be looking for one. I called her when I was on my way to my dentist appointment because her kids would be on the bus by then and she would probably answer her phone. No answer. Okay getting a little more worried. Then my phone rings and it's from her phone. "Hola", I say, assuming it was her. A short pause. A voice says, "This is Gina" (Jamie's co-teacher). Now I start panicking! "Jamie is lying on the classroom floor in pain (the kids had all gone by then) and she won't go to the hospital." I'm shocked and scared and reply, "Well tell her that she needs to go." We talked about it for a moment and then she hung up to take Jamie to the hospital, promising to call me in a little while. For some reason, I continue on to my dentist appointment. I tell the hygienist the situation and that I would need to answer my phone if it rang. A few minutes into my cleaning it rang with a call from an unfamiliar number. The school nurse this time. She tells me that Jamie really needs to go to the hospital and, of course, I agreed and told her that I had just spoken to Gina. Then she tells me that, at this point, Jamie could not walk. They would need to call an ambulance. More panic. I continue with my cleaning. Not real sure why, at this point, I just didn't stop and reschedule. Panic causes loss of reasoning skills. A few minutes later, phone rings again. Jim this time. I had left him a message after the first phone call. I update him on the situation. Continue with the cleaning. Finally done and with the news of a cracked tooth and a filling needing repair, I leave to go home and wait for someone to call. Jamie texts me and lets me know that they're doing a cat scan. Then texts again to tell me that they had to give her contrast dye and wait an hour to do the cat scan. Two and a half hours later and I'm waiting and worrying. I've enough experience with hospitals to know that it takes forever. I was in the ER once with my mom for eight hours before they finally admitted her and moved her to a room. So, then I decide to call the hospital. Well, okay, I called the wrong hospital. They took her to one not so close to her apartment. Another phone call. She's there and they transfer the call to her room. No answer. I hang up and call again, explain that there was no answer the first time. They transfer the call to her room. No answer. Again. I call a third time and explain more fully that when they transfer the call to her room no one answers. He tells me that he's right near her room and will go check. Comes back and tells me that there's no answer because there's no phone in that room. Grrr... He does tell me that she had turned the ringer off on her cell and she would turn it back on so I could call that. Finally. A tired and weak sounding Jamie answers. It's an ovarian cyst. They've done a cat scan and ultrasound and they're sending her home. They just wait and it'll either disappear on it's own or burst (my sister, the nurse, assures me that the bursting part is rare). She was discharged a few minutes later and her co-teacher drove her to the pharmacy, which told her that her scrip wouldn't be ready till 10:45! She didn't want Gina to wait that long and said she would pick it up herself in the morning. Of course, I'm worried about that. What if she needs the pain meds before then? Well, Jamie's weak and worn out and wanted to sleep. I hate that she's all alone so far from us when she really shouldn't be all alone. I have worried that something like this would happen and, well, one month before she's moving back, it did. I told her she was going out with a bang! She doesn't remember alot of the whole ambulance part of it, but enough to be embarrassed by it all. Oh, and that the "ambulance guy" riding with her was pretty darn cute.

My girls...

Okay, first of all, I'm not real sure I like referring to your breasts as girls. It seemed a catchy title though. About three years ago, when I had a mammogram, I had a scare. It was a scary scare at that. Before that, it had been about five years since I had had one and I know we're supposed to have them annually after we turn 40, but there's no breast cancer in my family---that I know of. So, I had my mammogram and I was called back to have my right side re-done. Wasn't sure why, but okay, I didn't want to take any chances. I went in for the second one and had to wait a few minutes while they looked at it. The tech came back in and said, "Can you come back for an ultrasound? There's an area that we're concerned about." A little knot formed in my stomach, I said, "Sure. Should I go schedule one?" She replied, "No, we'd like you to come back this afternoon, if possible." That knot grew and tightened. I was actually shaking! So, she gave me my time and I left. I struggled with whether to tell Jim or not. I didn't want him to worry. I ended up calling him on his job. He wanted to go back with me, but I assured him that it was nothing to worry about. I'd be fine on my own. I will never forget the sound of his voice. I had never heard him sound like that before... By the time I arrived home, he had called Jamie and told her to go with me. He's never done that before. I spent the day making bargains with God and praying. Finally it was time to go back. There was an area. I could see it. They called a doctor in to look at it. I thought I would be flat forever, I was squashed for such a long time. The doctor decided just to keep an eye on it. I would need to come back in six months. All of this terror that I experienced and then a sense of relief just flooded over me... We drove to where Jim was working so that I could tell him right away. His job is one that requires his full attention. I worry about him enough as it is, while he's drilling, let alone knowing that his mind wouldn't fully be where it should be. I vowed never to put off my mammogram again. A few minutes of discomfort is not worth this worry! I went back in six months. No change. A year later and fine. I relaxed. Two years go by. Why do I do that? I went in two weeks ago and had my mammogram. Yesterday, my doctor's office called they want to re-do the right side. I have to go in tomorrow. I'm sure it's nothing, but a little bit of me has this nagging fear...

Our walks

I love to walk on our property. I don't do it often enough, but have recently started making sure to schedule it into my day. Before our dog, Duke, came into our lives, I used to walk through the woods and out into the clearing. There I would spread my arms wide and give Thanks to God for the beauty of the day. I walk a different route now because part of our property has underground wire to keep the dog home. The clearing is not our property, but belongs to the county. I could enjoy it, but we could not wire it in! So now we walk, Duke and I, on the trail out to the little lodge in the woods. Even though Duke has the run of about five acres here, he loves it when I "take him for a walk"! Spring and fall are the absolute best times to walk when the weather is perfect. It's so calming and peaceful and brings me closer to God and the beauty that He created. Rarely, but still sometimes we see a lone deer resting among the trees. How awesome! Often we see tracks of the other animals that live in our woods. The little hand shapes of the raccoon, the turkey claw print, the occasional trail of a snack crossing in the sandy dirt, sometimes the cute little hopping feet of a rabbit. All God's creatures. I feel so blessed...

Another new beginning

I started a diet today! I honestly have not officially dieted in a very long time. Sure, I'd decided that I needed to make better food choices and take my daily walk, but something would come along and I'd stop paying attention. I haven't always been overweight. I have gained most of my weight in the first 10 or so years after I had my son 20 years ago. Then I seemed to settle in. Sometimes I'd lose a little, but when I gained it back I never went over this certain number. Well, this week I went over that number. Not sure why. I don't feel as if I've been eating more or that I've been less active. I started taking a new medication, but I only have to take it for a few days a month so - who knows. I just feel different lately. Like my weight is really affecting me. I know it has for years. I'm very overweight. But somehow it's just been different lately. I feel so heavy and doing things are just so much more difficult. My weight has never stopped me from doing life's everyday things. I feel like it is now, for the first time ever. It's time... I've said that before and have never stuck with anything. I'm hoping. I'm praying that this time will be different. I need to do this. I want to be healthy. I don't want to feel like people are staring at me and judging me. I don't want to have to worry about fitting. Those turnstiles that you sometimes have to go through to enter an event. I have to go sideways. Sometimes I have to squeeze into restaurant booths. When I have flown I've always worried that the airlines would tell me that I have to buy another seat. I can't find clothes that fit me that I like. I want to be normal. I just want to be normal! So, a while ago a friend asked me if I'd tried Weight Watchers. I had years ago when I had much less weight to lose. Things got busy and I stopped going to meetings. I checked into it a few weeks ago and just haven't worked up enough courage to go to a meeting. Yesterday, I decided to try it online for a while. I know it would be better to go in person and have that support and encouragement, but, I don't know. I want to say that this is so private for me, but here I am blogging about it! But it is. It's something I want to try on my own. If I need to I'll go to a meeting. For now, I figure this is better than doing nothing. I want to stick with it this time. I really do. I'm worried that I won't though. I know that there are triggers that cause me to eat. I really think mostly it's boredom. If I'm busy I don't think about it. If I'm working at my desk or doing housework I'll snack. Jim and I go out to eat a lot. I need to make better choices either way. Ha, maybe I'll blog whenever I get the urge to snack. There may be many, many blogs from now on, if I do that! It's time. It's really time. I've starting doing different things lately. Things that I've always wanted to do, but haven't taken the time. Jim and I decided that we wanted to do more things. Go to museums, concerts, local events, even travel a little by ourselves. I want to not have to worry about my weight stopping me and, most of all, I want to be here to do those things. I have allowed myself to be happy for the past few months. Losing the weight is just a piece in the puzzle. My happiness puzzle...

It's supper time!

A quick little memory today... When Jamie was about 18 months old, we were living with my parents. We lived there for about three years from the time she was about one until she was four. One evening, we were sitting down to dinner and I put Jamie in her high chair. She was very observant, always thinking and quite a talker. My mother brought out a platter of Italian sausage, arranged very nicely, apparently... As we started serving dinner, Jamie, not wanting to be forgotten, said, "I want some poop too!" What could have been going through her little mind? "Well, I guess if they're going to eat it I may as well too."